


He Struggled And Kept His Guard Up

by thekindworthreading



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23620972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekindworthreading/pseuds/thekindworthreading
Summary: When Alexander Hamilton had entered the office of Thomas Jefferson, he wasn´t prepared to find him during a panic attack.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens (mentioned), Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 227





	He Struggled And Kept His Guard Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tinywhim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinywhim/gifts), [goddamnfaith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddamnfaith/gifts).



> @tinywhim Hey, remember this one? I finally got around to posting it haha
> 
> @goddamnfaith do I even have to tell you anymore how much I love our late night talks?

Alexander shuffles through the papers in his hands on his way to Jefferson´s office. They have a cabinet meeting in an hour and Washington wants their opinion on some issues. Alexander had meant to bring the papers to Jefferson a few hours ago, but he was too caught up in his writing and didn´t realise how much time had passed.

He stops in front of Jefferson´s office, knocking onto the door. He is sure that he heard something in the room, but no one asks him to come inside, so he knocks again.

“Jefferson, open up!”, he says loudly, banging against the door once more.

He waits a moment, but there is still no answer from inside. Alexander sighs rather dramatically, turning the handle, even though he doesn´t think that the door is unlocked. He is pleasantly surprised when the door opens, and he steps into the room. He plans on just leaving the papers on Jefferson´s table – it wouldn´t be his fault if the other man hadn´t read them – when he hears a strange noise from somewhere behind it. It sounds like something between a gasp and a sob. Alexander hesitates a moment, before he closes the door behind him, and slowly makes his way across the room.

He doesn´t know what he had expected, but it definitely wasn´t Jefferson sitting on the ground with his knees drawn to his chest, his face buried in his arms. Alexander stops in his tracks, not knowing what to do. He takes a tentative step closer, crouching down next to Jefferson. That´s when he notices him mumbling something, but he can´t make out what it is.

“Jefferson?”, Alexander asks quietly, but there is no reaction.

“Thomas?”, he tries again, and this time the other man flinches.

He looks up, his face pale and eyes full of panic, frantically darting around the room, before they settle on Alexander´s face.

“It should have been locked. It should have been locked.”, Thomas mumbles, almost toneless.

He is breathing fast and flat, his chest barely moving.

 _This is bad_ , Alexander thinks. He knows that he has to do something, before Thomas faints. Thomas is about to hide his face again, so he needs to think fast.

“Can I touch you?”, he asks.

The other man just stares at him, like he can´t really process the words. Alexander moves in front of him, and Thomas follows him with his eyes.

“Alright, can you give me your hands?”

Alexander holds out his own hands, and after a moment of hesitation, Thomas slowly puts his hands on top of his, and Alexander smiles at him.

“Good.”, he praises, shifting a bit closer to him.

He presses Thomas´ hands against his rips, while keeping eye contact with him.

“Try to match my breathing, alright?”, he instructs, taking deep and measured breaths.

He can see Thomas struggling to get his breathing under control, but after a few minutes, he manages to match Alexander´s, who smiles proudly at him. Thomas is still far from back to his normal self, but at least he isn´t on the brink of blacking out.

“Why are you doing this?”, Thomas asks, the tremble still evident in his voice.

Alexander is honestly taken aback by the question.

“Why wouldn´t I?”, he gives back, a bit indignantly.

“Because you hate me.”

Thomas pulls his hands away from Alexander´s hold, crossing them in front of his legs, and glares at him.

“I don´t. I hate your political views. But not… you.”

Once again Alex is surprised by Thomas, as tears start falling down his face.

“Hey…”, Alex says softly.

He moves forward, gently touching his arm, feeling helpless.

“Tell me what´s wrong. Talk to me.”

Thomas just shakes his head, trying to wipe the tears away.

“Go away.”

This time it´s Alexander who shakes his head.

“No. Absolutely not. I won´t leave you like this.”

Thomas groans, hiding his face in his hands.

“Why is everything always so difficult with you?”

Alexander can´t help but smile a little.

“Heard that one before.”

Thomas huffs, but keeps his face hidden. At least he doesn´t push Alexander´s hand away from his arm, so he counts that as a win. They stay like this for what feels like hours, Alexander´s knees are already starting to hurt, but he feels Thomas relaxing under the rhythmic stroking of his hand, so he remains where he is.

“I hate public speaking.”

Alex just stares at Thomas for a moment, after the words have left his mouth.

“What?”, he asks, eloquently as ever.

Thomas sighs, lifting his head, so that he is looking at the other man.

“I hate public speaking. I´m afraid of it, actually. That´s what this was about.”

Thomas´ eyes are red from crying, and Alex searches them for a lie, but can´t find one. It just seems so surreal that someone as extravagant and confident as Thomas could have social anxiety. Alex can´t wrap his head around it.

“I´d never have guessed that.”

“Normally I have it under control.”, Thomas says defensively. He huffs. “I don´t even know why I´m telling you this. I´m sure you´ll find a great way of using it against me.”

At Thomas´ words, a strange mix of guilt and anger flares up in Alex, and he withdraws his hand, crossing his arms in front of his chest

“I´m not that much of an asshole, thank you very much.”

Thomas averts his eyes, still not looking convinced. Alex sighs, taking the other man´s hand and squeezing it.

“I won´t tell anyone. I promise.”, he tries to let his voice show how much he means it.

After a moment, Thomas nods, squeezing his hand back.

“I trust you.”

He still sounds a bit unsure, so Alex decides to distract him.

“How do you usually handle this?”

Thomas shrugs.

“James always helps me, but he´s away.”

Alex nods. He had heard the two of them talking about James visiting someone back in Virginia last week, but hadn´t really given it much more thought.

“How long will he be gone?”

Thomas´ shoulders sag, and he looks even more exhausted than before.

“Two weeks. I told him I would be fine, and now look at me. Pathetic.”

Alexander shakes his head, cupping Thomas´ face so that he is looking at him.

“Hey, no. None of that.”

He thinks quick, following three different trains of thoughts.

“Look, I´ll go to Washington, tell him that we need to postpone the meeting, and…”

Thomas shakes his head.

“It doesn´t matter, I´ll feel the same way tomorrow, or after that.”, he says, by a way of explanation.

He sounds defeated.

“I´ll help you. Tell me what James does. I´ll do the same for you until he´s back.”

Thomas looks just as surprised by Alexander´s words as he is himself. Oddly enough, when he thinks about it, he finds that he means them.

“I don´t need your pity.”, Thomas says, a note of anger in his voice.

Alex shakes his head.

“I´m not doing this out of pity. I… I can´t tell you why, but I want to help you. And I got you to calm down right now, so why shouldn´t I be able to do it again.”

Thomas still looks conflicted, but then he nods.

“Fine.”

They are quiet for some time, before Alex gets up and stretches, his joints cracking. He holds a hand out to Thomas, who takes it hesitantly, and helps him up.

“You don´t have to look so scared, I just thought the sofa would be more comfortable.”, Alexander explains, and Thomas huffs.

“I´m not scared, asshole.”

Thomas closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“I didn´t mean that.”

Alex smiles, tugging him to the – ugly – violet sofa under a window. They sit down next to each other, Thomas looking out onto the street, while Alexander´s eyes remain on the other man´s face. The sun shining into the room paints Thomas in a warm light, his eyes almost looking golden. Alexander is fascinated with how soft his hair looks, and he can´t help thinking that Thomas looks like an angel with a halo.

He shakes his head slightly, to get rid of those thoughts. He doesn´t even know where they came from. He isn´t above admitting that Thomas could be described as attractive, but an angel? Absolutely not. That´s just plain ridiculous.

Still, he can´t seem to take his eyes from him, and when Thomas turns away from the window and their eyes meet, his breath catches for a second. The other man doesn´t seem to notice what is happening to Alexander right now, and he is glad about that.

Alexander is about to say something, when there is a knock on the door, startling them both. He notices how Thomas tenses, and softly touches his arm. His eyes snap back to him, and Alex can see a hint of fear in them.

“I will tell them that you´re not feeling well, you have a headache, and that we have to postpone the meeting.”, Alex explains, but Thomas shakes his head.

“No, I can do this.”

“Thomas-“

He smiles at him reassuringly, squeezing his hand.

“I can do this.”

Alex fights with himself for a moment, before he nods, more to convince himself, than to agree with Thomas.

“Alright. Let´s go.”

They get up and Alex waits for Thomas to gather his papers, before they walk out of the office. Knox, who is standing in front of the door regards them with a sceptical look, and Alexander glares at him.

“The president is waiting.”

Know leads their way, even though both Thomas and Alexander know where they are going. Thomas stares at his papers on their way to the conference room, not saying a word to either of them, and Alex can´t help but watch him out of the corner of his eyes.

“It is so nice of you to finally join us.”, Washington says as a greeting.

Alexander doesn´t miss, how Thomas tenses at that, gripping the papers tighter.

“My apologies, Mr. President. It was my fault. I was so caught up in convincing Jefferson how he should support my plan, that I forgot the time.”

After he has spoken, he can feel all eyes in the cabinet on him, most prominently Washington´s and Thomas´.

“You are forgiven, take a seat.”, Washington says.

Anyone who doesn´t know the president as well as Alexander, wouldn´t have caught the worried undertone in his voice, although Alex doesn´t know what´s it about.

As the cabinet meeting starts, Alex doesn´t have time to think about Washington anymore, but even as he goes on about how this new plan of his would change the history of their nation, he can´t help but let his eyes wander over to Thomas again and again. Now that he knows what to look for, it is easy to notice the small change in the other man´s demeanour; the too tight grip on the quill or on the papers he is holding, the slight tremble of his hands when he gestures, the deliberate breathing and most prominently, the haunted look in his eyes. He gets more comfortable as the meeting goes on, but he never quite relaxes completely.

When Washington ends the meeting after a bit over two hours, Alexander is about to follow Thomas out, so that he can ask him if he is alright, but before he can do that, he feels Washington´s hand on his shoulder.

“Can I speak with you for a moment in my office?”, he asks quietly, this thin sliver of worry still present in his voice.

“Of course, sir.”, he says, because that´s what´s expected of him. That´s what he normally wants.

He follows the president out of the meeting room and down the familiar path to his office, a thing he has done dozens of times before, but this time it feels different. Washington closes the door behind them, moving behind his desk, while Alexander remains standing.

“Have a seat, Alex.”

 _Alex_. So this isn´t about politics. This is something personal.

He reluctantly sits down, shifting nervously in the chair. When he looks up, he notices that Washington is watching him intensely, without saying anything.

“What is this about, sir?”, he asks, unable to bear the silence any longer.

Washington sighs. He looks tired.

“Why were you really late today?”

“I already told you-“, but before he gets to finish, Washington shakes his head.

“I´ve known you for so long. I can tell when you´re lying to me.”

Alexander is quiet of some moments, deciding to give Washington as much truth as he can.

“I can´t tell you.”

The president nods, as if he´d already suspected the answer.

“I won´t tell you to stop. But I can´t protect you anymore. Not even as the president. I will try, I always will, but I can´t promise you that I´ll be able to.”

Alexander shakes his head.

“Sir, I don´t think I can follow you.”

A sadness passes over Washington´s face.

“There is no need to pretend here, son. I have always known.”

 _Son_. A word Washington hasn´t called him for years. It´s oddly comforting, even though he has always fought being called that.

“You have always known?”, Alexander has an idea at what Washington might be hinting at, but that can´t be it, can it?

His old general chuckles softly.

“You and Laurens weren´t as subtle as you think.”

At his former lover´s name, Alexander feels a stab I his heart, but he can also feel himself blushing.

“It is nothing to be ashamed of.”, the older man reassures him. “But those are dangerous secrets. Just be aware of that.”

Hamilton nods numbly.

After a minute of silence, Washington gets up and walks to the door, Alexander following suit.

“You can always come to me, Alex.”, he says, before opening the door.

Alexander nods, giving Washington a small smile.

“Mr. President.”

“Secretary Hamilton.”

With that they part ways, Washington returning to his desk, while Alexander walks down the corridor, trying to make sense of their conversation. After having wandered around aimlessly for some time, he finds himself in front of Jefferson´s office. He hesitates a moment before he knocks on the door. There are steps inside, and then the door gets opened. He is met with a frowning Thomas Jefferson.

“What do you want?”, he asks a bit irritated.

Alexander pushes past Thomas without a word, lying down on the sofa. He can feel the other man´s eyes on him, and he stretches like a cat, grinning back at him. Thomas closes the door, and deliberately locks it, walking back to his desk.

“What are you doing here, Alexander?”, he asks again.

“I wanted to see how you´re doing.”, the grin vanishes from his face. “I noticed how tense you were at the cabinet meeting. You´re hiding it well, but I still can´t believe I never noticed.”

Thomas scoffs.

“What were you talking about with Washington?”, he asks, ignoring Alexander´s remarks.

Alex shakes his head.

“Nothing important.”

When their eyes meet again, he can see the anger in Thomas´.

“Did you tell him about me?”, he asks, gripping his hair. “I knew I never should-“

Alexander is up in an instant, clutching Thomas´ hands, and softly pulling them down.

“No. I would never tell him. I promised you, didn´t I?”, his voice is gentle.

Thomas huffs, trying to get his hands free.

“Why should I believe you? All you ever do is lie.”

Alexander can feel anger starting to boil inside him, but he knows that he has to remain calm. The fear and vulnerability in Thomas´ voice almost breaks his heart.

“I won´t ever lie to you. I swear.”

At Alexander´s words, all the fight seems to leave Thomas, and he slumps forward against the smaller man´s chest.

“I want to believe you. I really do.”, he says, his voice muffled by Alexander´s shirt.

Alexander disentangles one of his hands from the hold they have on Thomas´, and starts stroking it up and down the other man´s back.

“You can. I won´t hurt you. I´ll never hurt you, Thomas.”

He doesn´t know how long they stay like this, and only moves back when he notices the sun setting outside. Thomas looks up at him, and again Alexander is surprised by the effect the older man has on him. Thomas looks exhausted, his eyes almost sad, but still he is beautiful. Alexander´s heart flutters nervously in his chest, as he notices how close they are, hoping that his voice won´t sound as weak as he fears it will.

“You should go home. You look quite tired.”

Thomas nods, but makes no move to get ready.

“Will you join me for dinner? That is the least I can offer you.”

Alex shakes his head, and he can see the hurt and disappointment passing over Thomas´ face.

“You don´t owe me anything.”

Thomas shrugs.

“Maybe I´m not doing this for you. Maybe I just don´t want to spend dinner alone.”

At that Alexander laughs, letting go of Thomas and walks over to the door.

“If it´s like that, I´ll see you downstairs in ten minutes.”

He doesn´t wait for a reply, and slips out of the office, walking down the corridor to get to his own office. He is still smiling when he gets to it and shakes his head at how ridiculous it is. Had anyone told him yesterday, or even this morning, that he would voluntarily meet Jefferson for dinner, and that he´d even be excited about it, he´d have declared this person insane. Yet here he is, hurrying to gather the papers he wants to review again when he gets home, looking forward to seeing Thomas again.

On his way downstairs he bumps into Burr, who regards him with a curious look.

“Alexander, how come you are leaving this early?”

“I need sleep too, from time to time, even if it may seem hard to believe.”

Burr shakes his head, his constant non-telling-smile on his face.

“Why don´t I believe you?”

It is so easy to get irritated with the other man.

“I don´t know, sir.”

Burr nods.

“Good night then, Alexander.”

“To you too, Burr.”

He continues down the stairs, stepping outside into the brisk autumn air. He pulls his coat tighter around his chest, as he walks over to where Thomas is already waiting for him.


End file.
